A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, and proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 diciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the little spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St Peter's not a Peter-pulling contest at st Taffy's.